Depression is a weird thing. Everyone gets into slumps every once in a while, and typically those are fairly easy to spring back from. But depression is different — it’s all-encompassing. I've suffered with on-and-off depression since I was a teenager. It's typically there, at some level or another, but when it's bad, it's really bad — like an-intense-fear-of-death-is-the-only-thing-that-kept-me-alive bad. It's only gotten to that point a handful of times, though I suppose it's not normal to feel like near-suicidal depression isn't so bad if it's only been a few of times …
But that's where I feel like too many people in my generation are at right now. Every single one of my friends deals with some form of mental illness. Anxiety, depression, PTSD — I myself have all three; I’m a “triple threat,” if you will.
Recently I had my yearly check up with a new doctor. I told her my health history, and she asked if I was depressed lately. I had to think about it, and I answered "no, I don't think so." After all, I’m not in bed crying every day with the crippling weight of hopelessness that was keeping me from going outside and making me want to die, so I must be fine.
In fact, I haven't been feeling much at all.
When I'm not writing for the internet, my day job is as an editor. I was recently editing an article by one of the writers in my department who also lives with mental illness, and she is a fierce advocate for de-stigmatization and mental health awareness, and is just an all-around cool lady. It was a piece about depression and recognizing signs. And it hit me: I'm depressed.
You'd think having lived with it off-and-on for so long that I would have figured it out already, but this is at a level that I haven't experienced before. I'm at a point of numbness. I don't really feel much these days, happy or sad. I can't find the motivation to do hobbies I once enjoyed. I don't really enjoy the books, movies, and TV shows I once obsessively loved, but I don’t have any kind of desire to find anything new. I barely have the energy to shower most days, and there are days where I do just lay in bed and can't find the will to get out.
But because I'm not crying for hours in bed, having full-on breakdowns in my car, or wishing I would just stop existing, I figured I was fine. I chalked it up to laziness and getting older.
But there are a variety of symptoms of depression, and you don't have to be endlessly crying or standing on a ledge to be depressed. Some of the telltale signs of depression are:
Apathy
Anxiety
Restlessness and lack of concentration
Sleep problems
Changes in appetite
Sadness
Hopelessness
Thoughts of suicide
Sometimes it’s hard to recognize depression because you might not be exhibiting all the signs, or some of the signs might be overlapping with other mental illness struggles. But you don’t have to be experiencing all the symptoms to be suffering from depression, and often those overlapping mental illness struggles only prove to exacerbate depression.
For me, the apathy is what really stood out. Apathy for hobbies and things I once enjoyed. Numbness to personal struggles and news stories. Lack of motivation for pretty much anything. Hopelessness is another feeling I’ve been experiencing but in a more concentrated way than before. I’ve had some health issues come up this year where several professionals have given me radically different advice, all of it being very uncertain and very expensive — giving me a pretty hopeless outlook on my future health.
As for overlapping symptoms, I also have generalized anxiety order, which affects everything from my sleep, work, and relationships, to just giving me a constant feeling unease and stress. I also have ADHD, which affects my ability to concentrate and sit still, symptoms that tend to make matters worse in the depression and anxiety department. Having these problems already made it hard to recognize that they had been worse lately due to depression.
Taking Steps to Help Myself
Eventually, everything affecting me this last year and the year before (much of which is not mentioned in this piece because it would be 4,000 words long) eventually came to a head, and instead of going into a complete breakdown like I might have in the past, my brain just decided to go a different depression route. Now that I’ve recognized my depression, I’m doing what I can to address it and help myself.
Recently I been focusing on self-care and setting realistic goals for myself. Self-care isn’t just spa days and retail therapy — it’s finding ways to take care of yourself and your overall well-being.
I’ve made it a goal to go for a walk every day. That may not seem like much to some, but when depression leaves you laying in bed most days with no motivation to move, walking every day is a big deal, and getting out in nature is a good way to beat stress. On the days when it’s really hard to find the will to move, my dog is there to annoy me right out of bed for his daily walk that he’s become accustomed to.
I’ve made it a goal to food-prep every week. I try and take every Sunday to go shopping and get stuff to make at least four days worth of home-cooked lunches, and then have quick-and-easy healthy foods for other times, such as protein smoothies in the morning and sandwich wrap components for dinner. This eliminates the propensity to turn to takeout and other unhealthy foods that leave you feeling like garbage by their very nature.
I’ve made it a goal to be open to medication. One of my big anxieties is taking medications and their potentially harmful side effects, so despite my history of depression, anxiety, and ADHD, I’ve pretty much avoided seeking pharmaceutical treatment and have just dealt with things (ineffectually) on my own. I’ve been working with my doctor to find a medicine that will help me deal with my mental health struggles. I actually started doing this before realizing my depression (this time) as I sought treatment for ADHD, but now that both I and my doctor know more of what’s going on with me lately, we are working together to find the best course of action and medicine for me. Water soluble CBD oil seems to be a very effective tool.
I’ve made it a goal to be more open about my struggles. I used to just deal with things on my own — especially with past friendships and work situations making opening up about mental health struggles very bad experiences — but I’ve realized that’s a very self-destructive way of living. I now reach out to my friends when I need to, and I talk to my boss about my workplace anxieties and personal struggles, both work and life-related.
I’ve made it a goal to be better about the little things: Brush my teeth twice a day — that’s typically the first of my hygiene practices to go out the window when I’m depressed. Take showers more often. Do my laundry once a week. Actually put my laundry away after cleaning it. Groom my dog more regularly (German Shepherds or German Shedders, am I right?). A lot of these things get forgotten or put off in the throes of depression, so trying my best to take time and force myself to do them is a step in the right direction.
And I’ve made it a goal to not beat myself up when I fail one of these goals. Depression is a difficult beast of an illness, and it can be all-consuming. Some days are harder than others, and if I let these small failures get to me, I’m at real risk of spiraling. So, on the extra hard days, I let myself wallow, I forgive myself, and then try to do better the next day.
For some, goal making isn’t enough. Many teenagers that suffer from depression haven’t yet learned the skills to properly deal with it. They can be at a high risk for self harm and suffer tremendously. Honey Lake Clinic helps teens with depression and is just one of many that can be turned to for help.
I’m typically not super open about my own struggles, but like my friend’s article helped me, I hope this can help someone else. Depression is hard, but when you can connect with others who are struggling, it makes it feel a little less isolating, and a little less lonely.
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Mila Sanchez is a writer with a BA in English Linguistics. Her ambitions include traveling the world, studying languages, and taking pictures of her dog, Baymax. Connect with her on Twitter and Instagram!