By  Stu Pidaso 

Our constitutional rights are being threatened!  It has come to my attention certain items are being banned during the Republican convention in the “Cleveland Event Zone” surrounding the Quicken Loans Arena where the convention is being held.  Not allowed are tennis balls, containers of bodily fluid (where am I suppose to put my vomit??), water guns, swords, shovels, umbrellas, light bulbs, ornaments, etc.  Ohio is an open carry state where I am allowed to carry my AK47…maybe it’s a 19…I don’t remember, in to the event zone.  However, I won’t be able to carry my umbrella? 

This is outrageous.  What if it rains?  Am I supposed to cover my bald head with my gun holster?  That’s just bad for the leather.  Am I just suppose to let the rain hit my bald head and drip down my face in to my collar probably resulting in a rash??   I say day two of the Republican convention should be devoted to, “Keep America’s Heads Dry”!   I know what you’re thinking. 

There are no constitutional amendments allowing me to carry an umbrella or..my Christmas ornaments wherever I want. Wrong!  The 2nd amendment says absolutely nothing about guns.  The 2nd amendment allows me to bear arms, translation, to carry a weapon, and if I choose to use my umbrella or Christmas ornaments as weapons, that should be up to me!  If law enforcement deems my umbrella or Christmas ornaments (which I carry with me everywhere I go) weapons, then by definition, they are invading my civil rights!  The First Amendment protects my religious freedoms.  I

should be able to take my Christmas ornaments and hang them anywhere I want!  Can you say war on Christmas?   I suppose I should be thankful I can still drive my tank through the event zone if I want to, but that’s not the point. This is a slippery slope my friends.  What’s next?  I can’t carry my Legos wherever I want?   A Lego is nothing more than a potential projectile, if thrown with enough force, could blind or even kill!  Legos can be weapons!  If they can ban Legos, they can ban anything (except guns).  Citizens, if you believe in freedom, justice, morality,  plain human decency and Legos, then, please, support my legal cause.  I’m sure we can take this all the way to the Supreme Court and WIN!  Gawd Bless America!

 You should know, I’m not a professional writer, just a gadfly, an irritant, a purveyor of mockery.  Been with the phone company 32 years, I’m 59 years old, so…I’m almost dead.  Graduated from State University of New York at Geneseo with a B.A. in English Literature and Speech Communications.  My major accomplishments have been to avoid incarceration and never contracting a sexually transmitted disease.  I’m a born again deist.